The Gift of Time and Letting Go
We left off last time with my resignation/please-lay-me-off letter to my CTO. The big day, the last day, is approaching - and I am alternating between a mess and at peace. Luckily, I get some help and feedback from a very special friend!
2024-04-27 - The gift of time
Time. Whenever my mom asks me what I want for some gift-giving occasion, my answer is always the same: Time. And she always laughs and asks me what I really want. But really…that’s what I actually want. My life has been so out of balance for so long. I think a lot of people can relate here - my startup tech job is more than full time and I barely have time before and after work to take care of my animals, never mind enjoy them. I’m not complaining - I have built this life myself and have been very fortunate to enjoy its bounty, but now, it’s time for some balance. This year, for my birthday, I’m giving myself the gift of time by stepping out of the rat race. Now, if I can let myself relax into it. . .
2024-04-28 - In the spirit of relaxing into it - What have I done?! 😵💫
As I get closer to my end date (May 2nd), my excitement about taking a break is starting to yield to panic. Like, what am I actually going to do? Like daily? This all seemed like a good idea in the abstract, but what about in real life?
I’m sharing these uncomfortable details - the annoying ones where I waffle back and forth about my decision, wonder if it’s the right thing, spiral into oblivion, and then make my way back out of the indecision, shame, and grief - because I want to share the truth of my experience. I could just say that I made the decision, followed through, and never looked back, but I’d be skipping the important and very real mess. Maybe that decisive path unfurls for some people, but not for me!
To make myself feel better today, I made a list of what I can work on to progress myself and get my business up and running in a more sustainable way once I hit my last day of work. Putting my mind to work on something productive really helped me pull out of my shame and worry spiral. Here’s what I came up with:
Focus on finishing my Masterson Method equine bodywork certification (which has been very slow going due to the full time ++ job and life imbalance mentioned above!)
Work with my own horses more - again, imbalance has led them to have a pretty boring life most of the time lately!!
Put the word out that I’m taking more clients (I was previously only doing bodywork one weekend day per week)
Pick up two more days at the equine rescue
Start an LLC (instead of taking all the risk on myself personally)
Have a logo designed
Have a website built
Be diligent about writing
Exercise?
Ok, so this was my actual list that I wrote down, and I love that I put a question mark after “exercise.” 🤸🏻♀️
2024-04-29 - Integrity
As the day draws near, I’m starting to really second guess my decision. My brain is twisting the story from one where I truly decided in favor of my passion and life’s purpose, to one where I cut my nose off to spite my face in some sort of self-righteous foolery. Who walks away from a lucrative, 20-year career with no plan?
But THIS next conversation I’m about to share changed the way I was looking at the situation and pulled me off the darker path I was headed down. As I doubted my decision, I wondered if there was time to take it back, though I had a viscerally bad reaction to the thought of that. I was also feeling some guilt for abandoning the few folks remaining from my team - that bit is going to stay with me for a while; perhaps it always will.
I texted my manager to let him know my plan for the team as most of us wound down our time together.
Me: Hey, how are you holding up? I’m going to have the team focus the rest of their time on documentation, leaving behind as many breadcrumbs as we can. Hoping to make life at least slightly easier for you?
Manager: I’m fine. Dealing. I think the documentation approach is the right one. There’s nothing I need :( BTW, happy upcoming birthday 🥳
Me: Haha, thank you. Giving myself the gift of time (and poverty).
Manager: And integrity, which is priceless.
Me: 😭
I needed this little reminder - not only about integrity around my feelings on how the company was behaving, in particular toward its people, but also internal integrity. Finding the courage to be congruent has not been easy.
2024-05-02 - Today’s the day
Today is my last day working at my tech job with my tech family. I woke up feeling emotional and nostalgic. It’s not that I didn’t like this career. However, this particular job was burning me out and wearing me down. And I have a passion for something else burning inside - a longing that will not be quieted. So today, I step into my passion. But it also means that I step away from a long and successful career - at least for now.
I signed into my laptop - all systems were still up and running. Long before I knew about this layoff, I had planned to have today off. I was taking my horse, Rosie, up to camp for a retreat. I wanted to be there for my friends who were both being let go and staying, so I decided to go to camp a little later in the afternoon. I spent the morning saying goodbye to my friends and colleagues. Little by little, my access was cut off. I couldn’t even take a screenshot of a nice message that someone sent to me. What a weird feeling, especially as a tech lead. I watched as, one by one, “my” people went from a green dot, indicating they were active online, to grayed out with the word deactivated over their profile. What a surreal, bizarre, and kind of harsh experience.
Eventually, I was deactivated. All systems shut down. I sat and stared at my blank screen. I wasn’t sad or happy or relieved. I was…nothing. Empty. It was strange and sort of lonely, but mostly it was nothing.
After sitting with my thoughts for a few moments, I got up and slowly, deliberately closed my laptop, put it in a drawer, and left my office. For the first time since I made the decision, I was at peace, and I did not look back.
I started methodically packing for my trip. As I piled everything into the truck, I tried to stay present with how I was feeling, but there was still just nothing. I had shed a lot of tears earlier this morning, and nothing was left. I hooked up the trailer and was ready to go. I walked out to the paddock to get Rosie. Tango intercepted me, placing his head against my chest, as he does so soulfully when he knows I need a life assist. This horse is all heart and soul. Literally everyone who meets him falls in love with him. He surely has my whole heart too.
I stood with him for a while, not in a particular rush to get on the road. When we finally parted, I thanked him, as always, for being my friend - the one who sees and feels so deeply. I haltered Rosie and she loaded up on the trailer with no hesitation. Love my girl! When we arrived at camp, I walked Rosie around a bit, then put her in her paddock with fresh hay and water, all tucked in for the night! Then I tucked myself in for the night, ready for a new day full of possibilities.
2024-05-03 - The resistance
I headed out to Rosie’s paddock in the morning, ready for our first ride of the day. Instead of greeting me at the gate, she took one look at me and bolted off. Great. So it’s going to be like this. It only took me a few minutes to catch her, but she was not exactly a willing partner. I knew why. I was still coming down from the epic stress of the days and weeks before - this was going to be a process, and I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to be a part of it. She could feel me from a mile away. We both knew it.
At this point, I probably should have just bagged the plan to ride obstacles and then go for a trail ride, but I felt a silly pressure to partake in the activities. I walked her out to the arena, acting like everything was fine, but Rosie and I both knew the truth. I was very far from fine. I was tight on the inside, and in turn, Rosie was tight on the outside. To her extreme credit, she didn’t do anything dangerous or explosive. She was “obedient,” but she felt like riding a 2x4. I felt a lot of resistance in her, despite looking like our normal selves to onlookers. We made it through the day without incident, but it did not feel good.
At dinner that evening, the clinician asked each of us three questions: 1) What were your successes today? 2) What were your challenges? And 3) what do you want to do tomorrow? I listened as each person spoke, wondering if I should just make up some mundane answer about some technical thing we were working on, or if I should be vulnerable and share what I was really feeling to the group. I got choked up thinking about it…Oh boy, this was not going to be easy. I was feeling bad for putting Rosie through my crap today. And I was feeling badly for myself.
The clinician (a friend of mine) and one other friend knew what had happened the day before with my job, but no one else did. When it was my turn to speak, I was honest. I shared that our biggest success was how great Rosie was for me despite the underlying stress, anxiety, worry, sadness, and guilt I was feeling after getting laid off the previous day and saying goodby to a bunch of people that I care about - saying this out loud made me choke up again. I paused, composed myself, then continued to praise her. She did everything I asked of her, AND she hadn’t been ridden since August of the previous year due to an illness! My biggest challenges were my own thoughts running rampant in my head. I shared that I could feel her resist and brace against me, that our ride did not feel particularly good to either of us, and that I wasn’t sure how to get out of this frame of mind. I admitted that perhaps I wouldn’t be able to this weekend and that I might need a little more time (or a lot more?). My plan for the next day was to just hang out with my horse - no expectations, no needs, no agenda, no pressure.
And I meant it. Something in me changed the instant I decided on this plan. I realized that I had been doing too much “doing” earlier. And not enough feeling. In an effort to avoid feeling, I resorted to a heck of a lot of doing and trying to control everything about my ride. And these feelings were deep and hard and needed acknowledging if I was ever going to be able to process what happened. So, I decided that tomorrow, I was going to go into Rosie’s paddock and just sit with it. If she came over, awesome! I’d ask her if she wanted to do some stuff with me. If not, equally awesome and good information.
2024-05-04 - Letting go
I took a deep breath, picked up Rosie’s halter and lead rope, and headed for her paddock. I mentally prepared myself for the real possibility that she may bolt away again - that just doesn’t feel good, but I totally understood. I breathed deeply and let any expectation of her or me melt away as I exhaled. I thought of the lyrics from the James Bay song, Let it Go:
I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk awaySo come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me
And I'll be me
This, of course, is a song about a breakup, but it’s also applicable to life in general, as well as to the breakup of sorts that I was experiencing. When you become unrecognizable to yourself, it’s time to make a change. And that’s what I did, and it was hard.
I approached the gate and watched Rosie at the far side of her paddock peacefully munching on her morning hay. I took another deep breath, this time truly leaving everything that was broken inside of me to the breeze. And I felt like me. I walked through the gate, and toward the center of the paddock where there was a mounting block that I intended to use as a seat. I didn’t even make it halfway. Rosie lifted her head, walked away from her hay (unheard of!), marched straight up to me, and shoved her nose in the halter. I buried my face in her mane and thanked her, hugging her tightly around her neck. This horse is one-in-a-million.
When I was able to let go of my bullshit (albeit legit bullshit) and my expectations of control, she showed up in a big and immediate way. And so it was for the rest of the weekend. She felt soft, connected, and light as a feather. I’m not saying my stress and sadness were gone - but I stopped trying to cover it all up with doing. I just said, “Ya, that’s a thing that I’m feeling and it’s ok.” She had immediate feedback that I was on the right track!! <3
We had a fantastic weekend full of connection, fun, and adventures. I’m forever in gratitude for this loyal, loving girl who demands my best, and when I can’t give that, she at least demands the truth.
I’ll leave you with this today: Listening to fear means always seeing risk; listening to your innate wisdom means seeing the truth. Whatever you’re holding onto, let it go - give it to the breeze, bury it in the earth. Oh, and give yourself some grace. Change is hard; transformation is hard too. No one said it would be easy, but fear is not allowed to be in charge.
For the more poetic among us, Khalil Gibran’s poem, Fear, perfectly captures my unease and worries about the unknown path ahead:
It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.Khalil Gibran