Truth, Love, and Hard Questions - Part 2
Transformation and healing through connection
In case you missed Part 1, you may want to check it out first :) Part 3 was posted the day after this post, and reveals the big question!
November 5, 2023 8:00 a.m.
“How is your imagination today?”
I said, “Ready to rock!”
“Good. Think about a time when you felt really safe. Like really safe in your body.”
The first thing that popped into my head was a time about a month earlier when I had ridden my colt, Poco (4 years old and very green), at a stockmanship clinic. Sidebar - this is NOT a time when someone sane would typically feel safe. Riding a green horse around cows can get exciting . . . and western. But the way my mentor (Martin Black) set us up for success was so artfully done (that’s another story), that by the time I entered the herd on my green horse, we were both feeling unstoppable. I could feel and direct every subtle shift in his body, and he was feeling me back. There was no fear. We were solid. I could feel myself down deep in my core, and I could feel his power too. The feeling of that connection was amazing.
“Got it?” Nahshon asked?
“Yup.”
“Ok, now put that feeling in your body, down in your core. Remember what it was like. Now heat it up. Hotter. That’s it. Now raise it up into your belly”
What I pictured alongside my memory was an orange and yellow glittering ball, spinning slowly at first, down in my pelvis and lumbar area. It was a warm, comforting feeling. Tango lowered his head and began licking his lips (a sign of relaxation). Wow, he is feeling this, too! But my mind, ever logical, immediately jumped in and warned: it was a coincidence. As I continued to recall the memory of safety, I spun the ball faster and started heating it up, raising it into my belly. At that instant, Tango walked off calmly and confidently. Coincidence.
“NICE!! Keep going. He loves this - he is an energetic aid horse. Some horses are physical aid horses; he’s an energetic aid horse.”
Oops, drunken sailor again - we lost it. I tried to manage his direction and keep him straight between my hands and feet.
“Why are you so busy with your hands?”
“I’m trying to keep him between my hands and legs and help him stay straight,” I said.
“Steer if you need to, but otherwise, leave his face alone.”
What I had been doing with my hands was no more than squeezing a rein here, slightly lifting it there. It was barely detectable, but it was loud and clear to Nahshon that I was interfering with Tango. I struggled to figure out how to steer when we weren’t syncing up with our bodies and I couldn’t use my hands.
“Stop. You hold your fear in your hands. And all of this busyness is just noise to him.”
What, now?! I am many things, but I am not afraid of this horse. He is the kindest, sweetest soul, and even when he’s anxious, he has never done anything dangerous. Wanting to explore this further, I said, “I’m not afraid of him.”
“I didn’t say you were afraid of him. I said you hold your fear in your hands.”
Oooh. Ok. That was something I could consider. Becoming aware of it had already changed it. But what fear? Hmm. That’s a thought for another time. Just keep riding and keep your damn hands quiet.
“Ok, now, bring that feeling of safety back in, and heat it up, HOT. Good. Now heat up his back.”
I felt a tiny twitch under my saddle, then a lift. Um, what just happened? Coincidence? My logical mind was starting to falter.
“GOOD!! Now, we want him looking more like a rainbow and less like a banana - put a rubber band between his front and back feet - heat it up!”
Woah. Now we were cooking - Tango rounded up nicely and I could feel him reaching with his shoulders and stepping up underneath me with his hind legs, lifting his back. The auditors were gasping at every change, so I could tell I wasn’t making this up. Unless we were all making it up. At this point, I was just so in awe of what I was feeling that I was giggling. Definitely not a coincidence.
“Now heat up his tongue and his poll [the area behind his ears where his head and neck connect]. Heat up under his tail - make it HOT. Now his stifles.”
Tango groaned contentedly and tipped his nose down and lifted his withers ever so slightly. Another collective gasp.
“Now make it cold. Icy cold.”
I felt everything disconnect, disorganize, fall apart. I couldn’t tell how obvious it was to anyone but me, directly feeling him underneath me. He lined out, hollowed his back and was moving in a very disjointed gait again. 😳 “See that? He totally fell apart there,” Nahshon narrated for all of us.
“And put it back, make it safe, make it HOT! Heat up his feet. . .now his hocks!”
After a moment, we were back together and moving in a healthy, connected, collected posture. What?!
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Nahshon instructed me that he was going to call out numbers 1-10, slow to fast, and I was to put that speed into my body, into Tango’s body, and heat it up. This could get very interesting - Tango definitely has a number of speeds, but as he gets faster, he gets more chaotic and disjointed, like he doesn’t know where his legs are, so they just do whatever they want - sort of like 👇.
Before I had time to consider all the possibilities of what might happen, I heard Nahshon yell out, “ONE!” And, we were walking easily and slowly. “TWO!” Faster now. “THREE! Don’t try to hold it. It’s a toy; play with it!” A nice, brisk walk now. “FOUR! Heat up underneath his tail - make it HOT!” We tipped into the running walk, still feeling solid and together. “SIX! Stifles - HOT!” A lovely canter - still with me! “THREE!” Can he come back to my seat and hands? Can he come back from energy alone - YES!
We went on like this for several minutes, until eventually we hit “NINE!!!” and we were hand-galloping around the arena. What a frigging amazing feeling. Tango felt so free - it was like we were reading each other’s most subtle thoughts. Before the thought was fully formed in my mind, he was already doing it. And he was solid - he did not fall apart as I expected him to, but rather kept his body organized and collected. We did not hit ten, but nine was cloud 9 for me!
Nahshon slowed us back down to a stop and let us both catch our breath. “THAT was amazing - you guys just galloped around the arena and he never felt like he needed to take his back away from you!! Go ahead and hop off.”
I shifted my weight in preparation for dismounting, and Tango’s head shot up, eyes wide.
“STOP! Why is he so worried about you getting off?”
I considered the question for a moment. “I think he feels like he needs to protect himself.”
“Why does he feel that way?”
I wasn’t sure - he is my husband’s horse and I don’t ride him often (but I will now!! 💗). I do know that my husband is extremely careful and considerate of Tango, so I can’t imagine he has been doing anything to upset or scare him.
“What would it feel like to get off relaxed?”
I again considered his question for several long seconds, “I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“Great! Now we’re getting somewhere. Just sit there until you feel it, no matter how long it takes, and then get off.”
When I tell you I sat there for an eternity, I am not kidding. As I sat, Nahshon treated us all to one of the most amazing sermons. I wish I could say that I remember all of it, but I was on my own journey, sitting on my horse all the way at the end of the arena in a dark corner by myself. I considered how it might feel for us both to be relaxed as I dismounted. I scanned through my body, breathing deeply into and relaxing each part. Then I went back back to get the stragglers who, upon my focus leaving them for just an instant, insisted on clenching up again. Forehead, tongue, shoulder, the center of my back, hip flexors, my feet. I put my awareness in my pelvis, grounding into my center of gravity. In my legs and feet, I put a presence. As I relaxed and became fully present, Tango fell deeper and deeper into himself. At one point, I thought he might fall over - recall, he has sleep deprivation. I slowly leaned forward to pick up my reins, when a voice interrupted my little meditation session, “DON’T touch him - leave him be.”
I started to explain that I was worried he’d fall over, but Nahshon stopped me and said simply, “He’s got you, he knows you’re there, and will take care of you. Now take care of him.” A pause. “Do you feel that stabbing pain in the middle of your back?”
Ok, how the HELL would he know about that? I’ve had chronic pain there for 15 years. “Yes.”
“What is that? That’s where your ghosts are hiding - time to let them go. Put them over there in the far corner of the arena. Fill the whole arena if you have to - but it’s time to let that go. Check in with the ones in your right shoulder as well.”
A swell of emotion took me by surprise. Tears started streaming down my face, and I had no idea why. They arrived uninvited and without explanation, welling up and spilling over unapologetically. And all it took was for someone to say, I see you. I don’t know anything about ghosts in my back, but I do know that I have pain there daily. I also have long-standing trouble with my right shoulder - so much so that I have been seeing an osteopath since 2017 for help keeping it at a manageable level.
I felt naked, exposed, raw. It was as if everyone was seeing deeply into my soul as I sat. It was at the same time a feeling of intense vulnerability and uninhibited freedom. Wide open - that’s how it felt. The reality was that no one knew anything - I was too far at the opposite end of the arena sitting in a dark corner for them to tell. Until, to Nahshon’s delight, I wiped a tear from my face. “OH, you’re having feelings!! This is wonderful.”
Heh. Ya. Wonderful.
I finally felt ready to dismount. “Good - now just step off.” As I did, Tango’s head raised slightly again, and I prepared for another long, healing, but uncomfortable stay in the saddle. This time, Nahshon said, “Nope, just step off. You did your part, now he’s responsible for his own feelings.”
Phew. All of that in an hour.
Wow ,now this made me cry ….beautiful
What a ride! Wow, Nahshon has some strong medicine! The energy part is very interesting to me, the glittery colors orange and yellow and locations, sacrum/stomach match with the chakras. Another coincidence surely :)