Walking the Spiral Path - Part 1

How Horses Guide us Home

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You have permission to follow the call of your soul --
Even if it doesn't make sense.
Even if it is inconvenient.
Even if it only forms more questions --
Even if it only brings you freedom,
Or a heavy burden.
For you are not a herd beast.
*You are a Being of Light*
Individuating your way out of the sleeping tribe

Excerpt from ~ Rachel Alana (R.A Falconer) Midwives of the Soul, 2022

Quick side quest before we get started

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Author’s Note

Get some tea and maybe a bagel - this one is going to take some time! I had so much fun writing about this experience; writing about it really helps me process what happened, instead of just moving on to the next life event. I ended up having to break this into two posts because it was so long - we’ll see who has the stamina to get through it. I promise you, there are some meaty lessons coming!!

This series would have been published back in November, except for one pesky detail. The section below on Tommy was the absolute most difficult part for me to write, and it took me several months to finally sit still and do it. My mind kept wandering and giving me other important things to do. Each time I’d sit down to write it, I’d almost instantly distract myself with something else - it was clear I had some real resistance to writing about this horse and my experience with him.

Upon reflection, I realized it wasn’t because nothing happened during our time together. It was because what did happen showed me exactly how I get stuck and start spiraling in life. As you’ll read below, he showed me how one disruptive ripple can cascade into a waterfall and take over our lives, if we let it.

2024-11-21 Back to the Plot

One of life’s most sacred honors is to hold someone's heart in your hands, offering them a safe space to unravel and release pieces of themselves that they’re ready to give to the wind. This weekend, I had the profound privilege of both giving and receiving this gift.

I attended a personal growth and healing workshop this weekend. I didn’t know what I was stepping into at the time; I didn’t even know that the theme was personal growth - this was truly one of those things where the universe had to hit me over the head with a hammer for me to finally listen, trust, and say yes. It went a little something like this:

This past summer, I went to an equine bodywork and posture clinic, and in talking with the instructor, she told me, “If you ever get the chance to work with Deb Davies, do it! She is amazing.” I hadn’t heard of Deb, so I filed it away to look into later and promptly forgot about it.

Toward the end of the September, I got an email saying “Deb Davies is coming to Maine for bodywork and private sessions.” The name was vaguely familiar, but I knew I had some travel and other clinics coming up, and I figured I’d just skip this one, since I didn’t know the person and I already had a lot on my plate and not a lot in my bank account.

Next, I went to the Journey On Podcast Summit in Paso Robles, California. On the first night there, five minutes into a conversation with a complete stranger, she said, “If you ever get the chance to work with Deb Davies, do it! She is amazing.” Hmmm, am I having deja vu? . . . Deb Davies? This all sounds familiar [Checks email. Finds email from a few days earlier announcing an upcoming clinic less than an hour away from me. Remembers hearing the name months earlier].

Figuring I better start listening, I told myself I’d inquire with the clinic organizer to see if there was still space in whatever Deb was offering - if there was, I’d take it. She had one opening in the one-day clinic, as well as enough time to come do bodywork on my horses. The one-day clinic was for people, facilitated by horses. Turns out Deb is a very gifted healer of equines - she’s an osteopath - as well as a guide for human transformation (among her many talents!). I decided to just have her come out and work on my horses - I’m fascinated with osteopathy (humans and equine) and wanted to see what it was all about.

Finally, the day before the clinic, I was texting with a friend, and we were catching up on life and horse stuff - I bought Rosie from her 6 years ago, and she has become an amazing friend. I told her I had an osteopath coming out to work on the horses, but that I was going to skip the self discovery / growth clinic, mostly due to exhaustion and poverty. Her response was: “Sometimes I think the fatigue is hard to read. Especially when there's an opportunity for self care. I would muster the energy and go.”

Sigh. She was right. I decided that if there was still an opening, I would jump to the next lily pad and take it - it was the day before the clinic, so pretty unlikely. Welp, wouldn’t you know, there was still ONE spot open. Heeere we goooo!

2024-11-22

My Dad called early in the morning to tell me that one of his horses, a sweet, but mischievous mini named Willy, was colicking (for non-horse people, colic is a general term for a very bad stomach ache that could kill you). It sounded bad, but the vet was hopeful. I felt a familiar pit in my stomach. Oh yeah, I recognized it - sadness and dread. I continued on with my morning, but a little more slowly.

I arrived at the workshop about 15 minutes late. The small group had gone on a walk in the woods to set the tone for the day. I’m always up for a walk, but it was also perfect that I missed it. I set up my chair and slowly walked through the barn. I greeted the horses in the attached paddock. Two seemed particularly interested in greeting me - I found out later that they were Hunter and Cinna. Spending time just being with horses is as good as a walk in the woods for me 💗. After a few moments, the group returned and we got started.

The instructor - I prefer to refer to her as the guide, as that’s how it felt - asks horses to facilitate self exploration and recognition of misaligned beliefs within the participants. We were (intentionally) a small group of five, but I will only share my experience, as that’s the only story that is mine to tell.

After some short introductions, she told us to go out into the paddock with the four horses and just walk around. If we felt drawn to a particular horse or place on the land, we were to take note of it. If a horse was drawn to us, same instruction. The four of us walked out into the paddock. It immediately began to rain.

Usually, when I'm with horses, I'm WITH horses. I think that's part of the reason I love them so much - I'm fully present when I'm with them. But, possibly for the first time ever, I wasn't particularly drawn to any of them (normally, it would be ALL of them). Of course, I instantly loved them all, but I just kept feeling Rosie, my own mare at home, saying, "remember, you promised you'd come back a ‘better’ person." I could NOT get that out of my head.

I had made her that promise a couple of weeks ago, when I left for 10 days to go to the Journey On Podcast Summit and some bodywork coaching. I had never left my animals for that long. I told her I was going to be gone for a while, but I promised I'd come back a better person, that I’d be more . . . me. I was ready to shed some stuff I’d been holding onto. And here she was, reminding me of that promise.

When we gathered back in the barn, each of us were asked which horse we were drawn to. I considered making something up - just naming one of the horses so I wasn't such a weirdo, but in the end, I came clean and told her what happened. I told her how I’d felt Rosie the entire time we were supposed to be connecting with the horses who were actually, physically present. To my surprise, she was so excited, exclaiming that it was wonderful - that when a horse who is not physically present comes through, she’s usually carrying a deep message from the horse ancestors, and so, while everyone else did the next exercise with their specific horse, I had to do it with ALL four of them. 😳😬

I was slightly mortified by the attention and by getting multiple “turns” at the exercise when everyone else got only one. Deb must have seen this horror flush across my face, and she immediately addressed it with the group. “I don’t think this will be an issue for this group, and I hope you can all understand that when something like this happens, I have to honor it. And we all learn from each other, so no one is getting short-changed.” The group nodded in unison and in apparent agreement. Phew.

Out of respect for Deb and her work, I won’t give details on the exact nature of the exercises we did - besides, in untrained hands, someone trying this work on their own could get hurt. What I will say is that the first series of exercises involved being in the stall with each horse and noting sights, sounds, and sensations. I was instructed to touch the horse if I wanted to, and Deb was closely observing the interaction - where I went in the stall, where I was in relation to the horse, what the horse was doing, where I touched the horse - she missed nothing. We knew nothing about the horses, and Deb knew nothing about us participants (other than the ones she had worked with before).

Doc

The first horse I visited with was Doc, a sweet, older gentleman with a mischievous and impatient side to him. I looked him over as I walked around him. He gave me some strong side-eye, but did not attempt to face me. Coming back around to his left side, I placed my hands on his shoulder. Nothing, I felt nothing. Then, he placed himself with his hind end toward me and started stepping side to side from one hind foot to the other like he was marching in place. My face flushed with embarrassment - as a bodyworker, this happens to me a lot - horses ask me for things once they know I’m listening, and I’m always listening. Ok, bud. But I don’t think this is the point of this exercise. I found the point where he was asking for help and placed my thumb on it. He started backing into me, so I matched his pressure. Not wanting to get squished into the back of the stall, I slowly and gently released and stepped aside. He continued to step side to side, rhythmically, expectantly, even after I stepped away from him - ok, that is different. I looked at Deb and said, “I feel like he’s asking me for something.” I didn’t want to say that I am a bodyworker - she is an osteopath, the ultimate breed of bodyworker!

She reminded me that this session is about me - just for today, I can make it about what I need, not what the horse needs. That was tough for me to accept, but I tried to continue around toward his front end. He followed me with his end end, continuing to move side to side. At this point, Deb offered her interpretation. She foremost noted how much movement he was offering. “I’d say you have a lot of movement and transformation happening in your life right now, and he’s telling you that it’s ok - it’s good. He wants you to know that you must keep moving and not let anything stop you.”

😳

Again, this person does not know me at all. There is no way she could know that I am going through a huge transformation. I only decided to join the group last night (while she was traveling), so I’m confident she had no time to research who I am or what I’m up to! And I don’t know anyone else in the group either.

Additionally, she mentioned I had spent just about the whole time on the left side of the horse, which apparently represents feminine energy, and at his hind end, his primary source of power. Once I understood the symbology, I interpreted this one myself. For most of my adult life, I’ve been ruled by my head, by logic and analysis, traditionally considered masculine traits - I am, after all, a scientist by training. Ideally, we all have a nice balance of both, but most of us are rather out of balance, and I am no exception.

As an example of the extent of my analytical brain, I have made rated pros and cons lists to decide whether to move, whether to take a job, whether to get another dog. Using a scale of 1-5, I’d carefully rate each consideration, add up the columns in favor and against, and the winner was my decision. Of course, there was some fudging involved. My gut always knew what my heart wanted or where my path was heading, so I somehow managed to more highly rate some considerations than others based on a feeling more than anything analytical. But shhhh, I shouldn’t be admitting such things out loud.

I digress. For the last several years, I’ve been working on embodiment and re-learning how to feel (appreciate, follow) my inner guidance system. The culmination (so far) was when I saw an opportunity to gracefully exit my full time tech job and pursue working with horses, and I actually did it. I walked away. Not because it was the logical thing to do - surely not! But because it was the right thing to do - it was time to follow my purpose.

The topic of power has come up recently for me, too - namely when Nahshon Cook asked me, Why are you afraid of your own power? This one question changed my life the instant the words met my ears.

I believe these topics - movement, transformation, intuition, and power - are gloriously entangled and were showing up together today. Intuition and the ability to feel, give, and receive energy are powerful gifts that we all have. For some of us who are just trying to survive in this world, in this culture, these gifts are easy to ignore as well. You can't hear a whisper when the chaos of the world is mirrored inside you—sirens wailing, storms raging, thoughts colliding like voices in a crowed subway.

I thanked Doc for instantly seeing into my soul, aptly identifying where I am in my life’s journey, and encouraging me to continue. As I left the stall, I noted that Cinna, one of the other horses on the property, was now standing loose in the aisle outside of Doc’s stall. I greeted him as I again took my place among the other participants and awaited my next turn.

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Hunter

Hunter was another older gelding, though his body was in considerably worse shape than Doc’s. He had clearly lived a tougher life, in addition to having very different conformation. Unlike Doc, Hunter ignored me completely, possibly even being a little irritated with my presence. I closed my eyes and placed my hands on his back while he munched his hay. My mind wandered here and there, and I was having trouble connecting.

Suddenly, I felt his back tense and lift slightly. I pictured the movement that would feel like this - it felt like he was abruptly reaching to bite something, possibly me. Without opening my eyes, and relieved to not feel the pain of a bite, I asked if he was upset with me or something else? There was a collective giggle - "not with you, but he is upset, yes.” I opened my eyes to discover that Cinna had followed along to the front of Hunter’s stall and was poking his head over the door, causing trouble. For a few moments, they pinned their ears at each other and traded quick bites to the face. Cinna added some light pawing at the door for good measure.

I chuckled at his need to be included, and closed my eyes again. This time, I asked Hunter silently, what message do you have for me? I waited, getting nothing initially. I focused on the message from Doc regarding movement and power. Then I stumbled onto what is holding me back from fully embracing this new journey - Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of how it will look if I have to go back to tech. Fear of success. Fear of the unknown. Fear.

When these feelings crept in, Hunter stopped eating his hay and leaned into my hands, breathing deeply. I slowly removed my hands from his back, opened my eyes, and thanked him. “I heard what I needed to hear,” I told Deb as I stepped out of the stall. Doc helped me see that my transformation was good and movement and power are life. Hunter showed me where I’m getting stuck.

Great, but what do I do about it?

Tommy

I noticed Tommy as soon as I arrived. He was turned out by himself and was vibrating with energy. As I watched him, I pictured the frayed ends of electrical wires - I heard the frantic, sparking call of the Eastern Kingbird. He was buzzing and didn’t know how to relax in his mind and body. I observed these things, and I felt badly for him. I wondered what had brought him to this point.

When I was asked to enter the paddock with Tommy, I felt this grief and dread in my body. I felt badly asking him to do this for me when he could barely stand still and be comfortable in his own skin. I heard Deb in my head reminding me that today was for me. I took a deep breath, put my awareness in my core and all the way down into my feet, and approached Tommy.

My attempt at grounding myself was quickly upended the instant I laid my hands on him. The game of who will attune to whom was decided - I felt his anxiety, his worry, his bottled up energy. I was experiencing it as if it were my own - it became my own. I closed my eyes and walked a full circle around him, feeling his body and all of its stories through my hands as I slowly made my way. At times, he was prancing in place, pawing with his front feet, pinning his hears and threatening to bite, breathing rapidly and shallowly, and felt about ready to explode at any moment.

I was pulled out of my momentary peek into Tommy’s world by some giggles from the group. I opened my eyes to see Cinna pushing on the gate to the paddock - pawing at it and popping up and down, clearly trying to get in. He seemed pretty determined to insert himself into this process!

I returned my attention to Tommy and again tried to clear my mind enough to receive his message. I honestly didn’t think he had a message - he was purely just trying to survive. I opened my eyes and told the group that I just didn’t feel it was fair to ask him to continue with this exercise. I also admitted that I wasn’t able to sift through the anxiety to actually feel anything else. We ended the session.

During lunch, I continued to think about Tommy and what I could learn from him. Was he reflecting back something about me, or was his behavior independent from me? This is a question we should all ask whenever we’re in the presence of another being, human or otherwise. Most of my experience with this comes from horses - while they are most definitely their own, individual beings with their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and patterns, they are also extremely tuned in to everything around them, including us. If you are nervous, they are going to wonder where the mountain lion is. If you are calm, it will help them to relax as well. The reverse is also true - they can have similar impacts on us, which is why so many of us are drawn to them.

As I thought of Tommy, I quickly recognized that my presence had little to do with his behavior. He was purely in survival mode from the moment I saw him, and he behaved similarly on his own and with the other participants as he did with me, though his anxiety seemed amplified in the presence of people generally. Even though he wasn’t able to provide the same clear and quiet guidance that Doc and Hunter had given me, there was still an important lesson to learn from Tommy. When things were hard, he would lose his focus. EVERYTHING seemed hard for him that day. Maybe it was hard for him every day? I could almost hear him getting swept up in his thoughts:

What if, oh my god, what if they ask me something I don’t know? Will I get in trouble? I don’t like getting in trouble. What if they hurt me? What if they take me away from my friends? I don’t like being held here. Oh gheeze, what if they try to ride me?

On the inside, his worry cup was full and spilling over about things that weren’t even happening in this moment - he was just worried they might. And to be clear, this wasn’t something he was deciding to do - these reactions happen on the subconscious level based on things that happened in the past, got stored in his body (in the nervous system), and were now being triggered by us. On the outside, he was tense, jumpy, unable to focus, unable to stand still, defensive, upset, and very busy. He was completely out of control both internally and externally, and was just doing what he felt he had to do to protect himself and survive the situation.

As confirmed by Hunter, one of the biggest obstacles in my transformation…is me. What does that mean? After all, it’s my transformation - how could I be blocking it - doesn’t it make more sense that something outside of me is holding me back? Money? The economy? My parents’ disapproval? Lack of support from my partner, or my friends, or our culture? Losing the respect of my former colleagues? No, none of that - most of that is not even true other than in my head - most of it was made up by ME trying to protect ME by keeping the status quo. What’s actually holding me back is my fear of those things. My resistance to those things. My judgments about those things. And when one thought creeps in, it brings its friends. And suddenly, I’m Tommy - bouncing from one worry to another, thoroughly spiraling and convincing myself to either give up or get angry:

This will never work. I should just go back to tech and stop worrying about all this nonsense. I wasn’t that unhappy. Why even try? Who do I think I am anyway? What if I fail? I’m totally out of touch with reality thinking I can leave a lucrative job and be happy rescuing horses and playing with people and their ponies all day and still make a living. Stop being so stupid. This might work if so-and-so helped me - they are supposed to be helping me!

My thoughts rapidly stack atop one another without a moment to breathe or consider them - they just keep coming faster and faster until my hope and my resolve are buried in the rubble of my doubts. Like Tommy, most of this is unconscious. This is what it looks like to lose focus. This is how it feels to let the mind take the reins from the spirit. And suddenly, I knew what it felt like to be Tommy.

Sometimes, it all gets a little too much.

I’ve always known I had this tendency - a lot of us do. Thanks to Tommy, I got to see the outward expression of a fearful and chaotic mind. Boy, it was not pretty. But the first step in changing a pattern that is no longer serving you is to become aware of it. ✅

I was pulled from my inner musings about Tommy’s lessons by my phone buzzing in my pocket. It was my dad. Oh yes, Willy, I thought, as I was snapped back to the present.

“It’s not good,” I heard my dad say. “The vet is on her way out. The meds helped for a while, but now he’s worse again.” I asked him to keep me posted and tried to lay my worry to rest in a safe corner of my heart as I rejoined the group for the afternoon session.

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*Come back tomorrow for Part 2 (of 2) to hear how the day concluded and to learn about one more special horse. The meaning of the title, “Walking the Spiral Path” will also be revealed!*