Cracked Open
A Fortune Cookie's Guide to Life
A few years ago, I cracked opened a fortune cookie after an indulgent night of Chinese takeout. The fortune said, “Your meaning of love is special. Why not share it?” I was still in tech at the time, but upon reading the fortune, horses! popped into my head, followed quickly by actually, all animals, followed less quickly by oh yeah, and people too 🤣. Nowhere in my mind did code, models, maps, GIS, software, satellite image processing, climate change mitigation, or agriculture - the tech applications I was working on at the time - pop up. Curious.
I tucked this little slip of paper away, along with my reactions to it. I knew it meant something, but I had no concrete idea of where I was headed. Going from where I was to where I inherently wanted to be was going to involve stepping off the edge of the map, and I had no idea what that would mean, how it would look, or how to begin. So I waited for an opportunity, an opening. In the meantime, I continued to educate myself in the areas of my interests and passions - equine rescue, horsemanship/training, biomechanics, and equine bodywork and rehabilitation.
Today, that fortune is sitting on a shelf above my bathroom sink. I read it every single morning as a reminder of how I want to live each day. When I think about the existential questions, “why am I here?” and, “what is my purpose?”, no matter what meandering path my mind takes, it all comes back to love.
For me, the meaning of love is sharing your essence, however it uniquely expresses through your talents, gifts, and passions. And how do you know what your essence is? It’s who you are at your core, without all the masks and armor that you (and society) have built around you to keep you in your place. It’s who you are when you’re not shoved in a box. And it manifests in gifts that you give with no thought of getting anything in return, simply because you are most you when you are giving them. More concisely, it’s sharing the energy that is authentic to you in service of someone else. Maybe your thing is baking for people? Or serving in the military? Or helping others through social work? Maybe it’s grooming dogs? In theory, this way of being should be the easiest path we can take because it is in alignment with who we really are; but many of us instead spend our lives in conflict with our inner knowing, leaving us feeling like something is wrong or missing.
Perhaps all of this sounds lofty and ungrounded. Do these musings have meaning “in real life”? That’s exactly why I’m writing this substack - so you can see one way this may look in everyday life - IF, I can pull it off! Instead of only sharing the many lessons I’ve learned along the way so far, I’m sharing what actually happened, in detail, so you can see that it’s real. The details likely don’t matter to anyone but me, but they illustrate, through examples, how peeling away the myriad layers of “protection” we’ve built around our hearts is at the core of self discovery - who am I really?
So as you read any of my entries, you’ll see where we’re going if you keep these words in mind: “Your meaning of love is special. Why not share it?” What is your meaning of love?
May 2, 2025
Today, I am celebrating 🎉. One year ago exactly, I made a choice that changed the course of my life. I left a lucrative career in tech to pursue my passion working with horses. I stepped away from the career I had spent over 20 years painstakingly building, brick by brick, layer by layer, at a moment when I was advancing up the ladder and finding my niche as a trusted leader. For sure, I got a few sideways glances as I tried to explain what I was doing, what I was leaving behind, and why this new direction was so important to me - but truly, most people were shockingly supportive. Many people cheered me on, both in support of me, but also with hope for themselves. I got the distinct feeling that some people wanted to see me succeed to prove it was possible for a normal, everyday person to set their lives on fire and walk out the other side burning more brilliantly than ever. Well, here’s the proof! I’m still here, and I’m living my passion every single day.
This decision was not made lightly, quickly, or without surges of fear and doubt. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought I would make it this far without crumbling and running back to the stable, safe, and familiar, I would have given you a shaky smile and a shrug. The truth is, I had no idea the answer to that question, and while I was not confident in my choice, I was determined to give it a go. So many doubts were swirling in my head, but my heart knew what it was doing when it set me on this path. I had, in fact, been preparing for this for my entire life. Every experience, no matter how disparate it may have seemed from today’s reality, gave me the skills, experiences, and nudges I needed to turn in this direction and succeed.
Today, I am working full time at a horse rescue, as well as running my own small business doing equine bodywork (along the lines of equine physical therapy and tension release) and helping people with their horses. My life is literally tailor made for me - I use my voice both to teach and to stand up for the voiceless. I use my skills, compassion, and experience to give horses the best chance I can at new, happy lives and to guide humans in finding true connection and partnership with their horses. In return, I receive more than I could ever give - the love, gratitude, and joy I feel welling up inside every time I help a horse understand something new that will help him get along in his life with humans, facilitate a child connecting with a horse for the first time, or help a person improve their communication with their horses is immeasurable. Time ceases to exist - there is only now - and everything flows as it is meant to be.
Temptations and Fear
To some, my journey may sound like the perfect story with the perfect ending, but I want to emphasize that there have been many bumps, blunders, and breakdowns along the way. And my story is not over - it’s just beginning. Making such a drastic change caused a lot of “stuff” to come to the surface - my stuff. Things I didn’t even consciously know about were activated the moment all of my work accounts were deactivated. I wish I could say that a huge weight was lifted and I was suddenly free as soon as I closed my laptop that day, but that is not how I roll, apparently.
Instead, I felt fear, anxiety, and dread. What have I done?! How am I going to support myself?? I felt like I had just jumped off a cliff and was having second thoughts on the way down.
And then, about two weeks post-apocalypse, my phone rang and it was a former colleague from a previous job - someone I enjoyed working with, respect tremendously, and is the recent co-founder of a new startup. Our conversation went something like this:
A: Heyyyy, Tina! I heard a rumor that you are no longer working at Indigo.
Me: That would be correct.
A: [Tells me all about his startup, where they are at in their nascent evolution, and tells me about an open position managing all of the data scientists and engineers, a job he is currently doing, but a co-founder, can’t sustain much longer. At this point, I’m mildly excited, but also internally having a visceral reaction and very loud NO. I would love to work with this person again, but I know I need some time off. I’m burned out. And I need to give this horse thing a real chance.]
Me: Do you want to know what I’m doing right now?
A: Sure!
Me: I’m sitting on my porch looking at birds. . . [long pause] . . . yeah, that’s it, that’s what I’m doing.
A: Ok, well how long are you going to be doing that?
Me: [Bursts out laughing]. Unclear!
A: Winter is coming. [It’s May].
Me: [More laughing] How long can you continue managing these folks and still do all of your “co-foundery” duties?
A: Probably until Fall - let’s catch up again in September.
My urge to consider this position was stunning. I had literally just made the decision to leave the tech world behind, yet here I was just two weeks later, already imagining my come back. The doubt, fear, and guilt I had surrounding my recent decisions were like ghosts, haunting every moment and trying to lure me back to a “safe” place in the familiar. I felt stuck because I was holding onto a version of myself who had died - she had already moved on.
Though I picked up a few more days at the rescue, I knew I wasn’t making enough to cover my portion of our household expenses. This was foreign territory for me and a surprisingly difficult struggle - I was raised to be able to support myself, and since college, I always have. I felt tremendous guilt for the added burden and pressure on Jesse (my husband), though he was nothing short of saintly in his unwavering support for this move. He listened to many hours of my worries, fears, and reasons why this wouldn’t work - all products of my ego/identity scratching and clawing and clinging to life as it knew itself. I felt selfish. I felt like I might be losing my grip on reality - you know, the reality where we all have our “day jobs” we do to pay the bills. He reminded me that building a business takes time and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I continued to struggle and worry about money, despite having saved up enough to last me about 18 months without a job.
It was about 6 months before I could finally feel the grip of anxiety loosening. I went to California . . . twice. Both times, I reached milestones in my equine bodywork certification journey, finally becoming a certified practitioner on December 10 after several classes and almost 2 years of fieldwork. I also attended the Journey on Podcast Summit (for the second time), which was transformative and healing.
While on the west coast, I visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium. My goal was to see the Giant Pacific Octopus. After reading Sy Montgomery’s Soul of an Octopus: A Surprising Exploration into the Wonder of Consciousness, I knew I had to visit! When I arrived and asked a volunteer guide where the octopus was, he pointed me to the exhibit, warning that “they are nocturnal and not very active during the day.” This girl had other ideas that day - she put on a spectacular show for over 2 hours. I felt a curtain of calmness and gratitude fall over me as I watched her gracefully move about her tank, engage with people through the glass, and change colors as she went from excited to relaxed. If you want four minutes of zen, I included a video I compiled from my time at the aquarium, complete with music; otherwise, feel free to just enjoy the photos.
These trips were a turning point for me. I came home and immediately felt ready to fully pour myself into my work at the rescue. Until that point, I had unknowingly been holding back, not believing it was fully real or sustainable. I started an adult education program and started teaching weekend horsemanship clinics at the rescue. I brought in other clinicians to teach the horse community about hoof health and equine dentistry. I began to more fully get involved in the training and rehabilitation of the horses at the farm, as well as my horses at home! I felt like I woke up. I had my own permission to go for it. All fears of failure melted away - what is failure anyway, but a batch of lessons bundled in a perceived disappointment? Inevitably, you later realize these experiences were necessary to get where you are. I let go of judgment and fear. I was free to just be.
Not so Fast. . .
Just when everything was smoothing out, I got a text. This time, it came from a former colleague at the company I left in May. “Can we catch up?”
Upon catching up, it became clear he was dangling a rather tempting contract role in front of me - “Super easy project with the potential to extend possibly indefinitely! Only 8-12 hours per week and at a great rate.” I would be making more per hour than I made in a whole day at the rescue.
This felt like a no-brainer. It was a 3-month project to start, one day per week of my time, and I could earn some good money (i.e., peace of mind) quickly. Jesse agreed to help me with it, too. The allure of easing some of the financial bind I had put us in was enough to make me ignore that little feeling of dread I had bubbling up in my stomach, for a time anyway. So, I got busy writing up a proposal, and boy was it a good one. I even made some pretty rad figures (for which I received the following “compliment”: “wow, you apparently have some pent up corporate energy.” See below for an example!).
Along with the proposal and the inevitable nitpicking of the details and the cost coming from the company, came an even more forceful feeling of angst and dread - I forged on. They asked me to submit a revised proposal with multiple levels of “done” and different levels of cost. I knew the people involved in this startup company, as well as the complexity involved in this “easy” project - it was most definitely going to be a shit show 💩. I buckled down and did as they asked, but over time, the toll became clear. I found myself snapping at the people closest to me, feeling that old, familiar stirring of anxiety and anger in my chest, and sleeping poorly. Even my Garmin chimed in - my resting heart rate was steadily rising. At one point, Jesse looked at me and said, “I think we should bail on this - I like the happy Tina much better, and now that I know she’s in there, I’d like her to stay.”
I decided to pump the brakes and really sit with it for a bit. The pressure I felt was tipping into panic - I felt stuck, trapped, like I was forcing myself into something that was not in alignment with my being. By all external measures, this was an opportunity that any sane person would jump on - a lucrative contract and a chance to ease the financial burden I’d placed on Jesse when I left my tech job. But in my body, the answer was a clear no. The thought of saying yes felt like a detour, a distraction from what I’m really here to do. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with the work itself - it’s just not mine to do; it’s not why I’m here. And my ability to ignore that truth was waning.
So I did was any insane person would do; I declined the contract and walked away from yet another lucrative role. When I really paused to think about what was motivating me to consider this work, the first answer was money. But that wasn’t the real answer - it never is. When I dug deeper and asked myself why, the answers became fear and guilt. There they were again - I thought I got rid of those?! Note to self: when patterns continue to come up in your life, it’s because there are still lessons to learn. 😬 Fear of what? I suppose fear of failing at what I was attempting to do with my life because it’s objectively crazy by most standards. Fear of failing to support myself and my family. Fear of looking like a complete idiot if I turned down this contract that was basically being handed to me with no competition at all. Guilt for the pressure that my decisions were putting on Jesse. Guilt for not taking the opportunity to pitch in a big chunk of money to the household.
As I peeled each layer back, I realized I was afraid of something that wasn’t even happening - I was about to make a big decision based on a story in my head, based on fiction. Because I worked myself into burnout for almost 20 years in tech, I have a decent savings account. Because I’ve worked very hard this year, I’ve barely had to touch that account so far. It hasn’t grown much (err…at all) either, but…baby steps.
If I were in a financial hardship, I would have made a different decision, but the truth is, today, I’m grateful to say I’m not. Of course, I’m being much more mindful of spending while I’m trying to get my business off the ground. I’ve made some difficult choices around fun trips with friends and other items and experiences in order to keep my head above water and not knowingly put myself in a tough financial spot.
But I already stepped off the edge of the map. I already left my cage. Going back out of fear, even for 12 hours a week, would be betraying the person who was brave enough to step away and give this life of purpose a chance. Maybe I would have had more funds to decorate my cage, but I’d still be in the cage nonetheless (thank you, Michael Singer, for that little bit of meaningful imagery).
So, I handed over the two proposals with all the pretty figures and timelines and cost estimates and off-ramps and said, “give it to your next contractor - I already thought through the entire project and planned out the steps and the timeline. No need to reinvent the wheel.” And I didn’t ask them for a dime for the time I had put in. I just walked away.
And again, the relief was not immediate. But this time, instead of taking six months for the stress to start to fade, it was two weeks. I’m getting better at letting go.
I’m getting better at guiding my life by the things that inspire me instead of the things that scare me. I have a choice. I can choose to live my life trying to prevent the thing(s) I’m afraid of. Or I can live my life giving the gifts I was put on this earth to give. When something challenging or scary pops up or is imminent, I will address it. Until then, I’m not going to entertain those stories. They are fictions my mind creates in its noble (but unhelpful) effort to protect me. Right now is reality.
June 20, 2025
Today, eight horses came into the rescue. They came from deplorable conditions and in dire need of food, medical care, love, and dignity. And I am there for that, full stop. I was there to welcome them off the trailer, to help them stand for the vet despite every instinct telling them to run, and to give them the first food, clean water, and shelter they’ve had in a very long time. I will be there for the triumphs of their recovery, and I will be there if and when difficult decisions need to be made about their quality of life. It was one of the longest days I’ve had in a while, but I am not tired or hungry, and at this moment, I have zero regrets about the choices I’ve made. They have allowed me to be in this place at this very moment, caring for these beings who have only seen the worst of people in their lives. Today, they will start to see another side of humanity. I am both honored and humbled to be a part of their journey, as well as filled with gratitude that they are a part of mine.
THAT’s my meaning of love - what’s yours?
An amazing post. I follow that rescue and was not at all surprised to see you there. Thank you for all you are doing, and for sharing it with us.
"guiding my life by the things that inspire me instead of the things that scare me." Never fight!