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Empathetic co-regulation: An invitation to stillness, balance, and peace
As an equine bodyworker and healthy movement enthusiast, I have found that I’m very sensitive to the way the horse is feeling, which is a gift in this line of work. Particularly noticeable is when they aren’t feeling great - whether they are anxious or in pain, I feel it. Like, in my body, I feel it. It took me a long time to realize that what I was feeling might not be mine. One of my mentors asked me the question one day while I was working on a horse at a clinic and could not seem to get my shit together. I told her I felt super anxious and I wasn’t sure why. She said, “Ok, but is it yours?”
I didn’t understand the question. Of course it was mine - who else’s would it be? But it stuck in my mind, nagging me for days . . . weeks. Some part of me sparked with curiosity, so I started paying attention. And I started asking A LOT of questions. I started noticing my left shoulder aching or my right ankle throbbing on the way home from a bodywork session - these are areas on my body that don’t normally speak up in that way and also happened to be areas that were restricted or painful in the horses I had worked on. I’d notice my heart racing while I was around a horse that was pacing and calling for his friends.
July 15, 2023
Perhaps the craziest example I can give (so far) is a sweet, but very scared gelding named Finn. His owner called me wanting to know if I could help with trigeminal neuralgia (TN), a disorder of the facial nerves that causes severe facial pain or burning, often in brief episodes of electric shock-like sensations. This can happen in both people and horses. In horses, we also call it “head shaking,” which describes one of the most notable (and often most dangerous) symptoms. I have several TN horses in my practice, and bodywork helps them to varying degrees. There are several possible causes and no single cure is known to work - but that’s a post for another day.
On this day, I told the owner that in some cases, bodywork can help. If there is a nerve impingement and we can release it, sometimes they feel better. But I was also honest and realistic - without knowing the underlying cause of the condition (e.g., dental issue, facial trauma, mineral imbalance or deficiency, etc.), the odds were not great that bodywork alone would unlock his nerves. She wanted me to come out and try.
When I arrived, we decided to work on her mare, Lexi, first, hoping that it would make Finn more comfortable. Finn was absolutely terrified of everyone except his family - he had a very hard life before coming to this lovely home, and his owner was determined to help him if she could. As I worked on Lexi, Finn would come up behind me and sniff my arm, lightly brushing his whisker-like vibrissae across my skin, sensing me, feeling my intent. He stood behind me, yawned, and cocked a leg to relax. If I so much as shifted my gaze in his direction, he’d bolt away. If I turned to face him, the race was on - he wanted to be near me, but he couldn’t handle the pressure of my core or even my eyes being directed anywhere near him.
When the time came to work on him, I could only work my way in to touch him on the shoulder. I worked in that area a bit, but his nervous system was so elevated, almost into panic, that I knew I wasn’t making a big difference. The type of bodywork that I do relies on relaxation to ease and release restriction. I decided to work on him from across the arena (this is very possible and very profound when it works). We made a bit more progress, but he mostly tuned me out. At this point, I had tears streaming down my face thinking about what this life of paralyzing fear was like for this gelding. He wanted so badly to connect, but he didn’t feel safe doing so. It was time to get creative. He trusted his owner, so, with my guidance, she was able to place her hands on him and do the work, sometimes with my hands on top of hers, guiding, and sometimes on her own with a bit of instruction. That’s where the magic happened - he was able to relax with the person he loved and trusted.
As we worked and he relaxed more deeply, I started to feel the corner of my left eye stinging. I wiped away some sweat and continued on. But the stinging intensified. I must have some sunscreen in my eye. Later, we took a break and I went to my car to wipe my face with a wet cloth. At this point, the burning was starting to spread outward from my eye - my temple, the top of my cheek, my forehead. I went back to the paddock to try the Bemer blanket on Finn - I figured this would be a hard no, given that his nervous system seemed frayed. But to my delight, he loved it (as long as his owner put it on him!! 💗)!
On my way home, I found myself blasting the AC in my face. Over the course of the 1hr 15 minute drive home, the burning spread to encompass the entire left side of my face. Am I having a stroke?! It slowly dawned on me that Finn’s symptoms seemed to be on the left side of his face. Oh dear. Could this possibly be happening? When I got home, I spent 15 minutes in the shower washing my face in cool water - no change. It took three days before the burning subsided. It might have been worth it if Finn’s symptoms improved, but instead, we were both suffering!
Ok, so my body was giving me good information; I didn’t want to lose that, but I didn’t want to keep it either. It wasn’t mine to take on. I needed some guidance on how to keep the gift of sensing the horse (or dog, or cat, or person - you get where I’m going), but also have some boundaries or energetic hygiene practices to keep myself safe. If I started to take on everyone’s “stuff,” I wouldn’t have anything left to give to their healing journeys.
I began asking around. I asked my equine bodywork mentors, my osteopath (more on both of them later!!), and every other intuitive person I came across what their practices were around internal boundaries. Most of the answers I heard were too esoteric for me to implement at that point in my journey - they were all absolutely great suggestions (other than the folks who looked a me quizzically and had no idea what I was talking about); I just wasn’t there yet.
September 29, 2024
Sometimes someone says something in a way that it all just finally sinks in, even if you don’t know it - and you internally resist it - in the moment.
I did a fieldwork case study session in a big fancy dressage barn on a big fancy mare named Alida. She was beautiful and strong and elegant. At the same time, she had some postural patterns and restrictions that were starting to impact her owner’s ability to move up in the levels with her. When I arrived to work on her, she was pacing in her stall - so much power and energy, and nowhere to go with it. There was also a clinic being taught there that day, with horses coming and going from the barn and a lot of commotion. Alida had her lesson earlier in the morning, so it’s not that she didn’t have an outlet for some of her energy. She’s just a very fit, energetic girl with big opinions about being in her stall instead of outside, especially with friends coming and going.
I settled in to work on her, and she was lovely. Without getting into the details of the session (which I’m happy to do if anyone is interested), I’ll just say that she had a hard time focusing on our conversation - she’d tune in for 30-40 seconds, and just as things were getting good, she’d get distracted with something outside, a horse going by, or the nearby whinny of a friend. She’d break connection and walk a circle or two in the stall, release, then come back for more bodywork. Sometimes this behavior is more of a fidget before releasing, and that may have been partially true for her, but I had noted that she was pacing and calling to her friends before I started the session. She was releasing and I could feel tension leaving her body, but it was slow and disjointed, not the usual flow within which I’m used to working. I could feel my heart racing, my anxiety rising. I couldn’t seem to get a hold of it, even though at this point in my energy adventures, I knew this wasn’t mine; I knew I was feeling her stress. But knowing and doing something about it are two different things - my porous boundaries were at it again!
When I got home, I wrote up the case study and in the section that says, “Do you have any questions for your mentor?” I put it out there, hoping that I’d get an answer that made sense to me. Here’s what she wrote back:
They will always bring you up, as you are sharing the same space. Yet, with practice, you can have more of an effect on them than they are having on you. I say to myself, “It’s my job to have a positive effect on you, not the other way around,” and this is a super helpful mantra.
Hmm. A mantra. No, probably not.
October 19, 2024
The day for session two with Alida had arrived. I walked down the barn aisle toward her stall, already beginning to bring my awareness into my lower body - I intended to bring a different feel and a different type of session to Alida today. I became aware of my footfalls, subtly grounding as my weight pressed into my heel and rolled forward across the sole of my foot and into my toes. I pictured the orange and yellow molten ball of warmth and safety that I summoned in my work with Nahshon Cook. I pulled out all the stops [that I knew].
As I approached her stall, she was already pacing - she was usually turned out with her friends by this time. I discussed the possibility of working with her outside, where it might be easier for her to focus, but the decision was made to stay put in her stall for today. I entered the stall, exuding presence, one of few things that can calm an anxious horse. I didn’t try to change her, but I was also determined not to let her big feelings change me. I could feel her, but today, I wanted her to feel me back.
I started to work with her, and it quickly turned into the same pattern as the last session - pacing, calling, staring out the door, all on repeat. I stood quietly, asking nothing and just bringing my awareness to the present and into my lower body - my pelvis, thighs, knees, shins, feet - heating them up and pouring feelings of safety into the barn. She continued to stare out the door and scream to her friends. Oh crap, I thought. Here we go again.
Then suddenly, three simple words popped into my head: Join me here. A suggestion, an offering, an invitation. There was no need attached to it, just an invitation. Join me here, in this place of peaceful presence, and breathe. As the words entered my mind, everything in her body abruptly stopped, and she swung her head around to stare at me. Well then, big girl, there you are. I softly stared back, wondering if she felt my intention and love. She snapped out of her zen moment and went back to the door. I invited her again - join me here. She again stopped and looked at me, walking over to greet me sweetly, as if she had just noticed me.
The door to connection had cracked open and we had a beautiful bodywork session. I’m not going to pretend it was perfect - there were moments where we lost it and got it back again. But a foundation of trust was laid that day. She came back easier and easier, and I was able to maintain my own inner environment of stillness even when she couldn’t. I was able to set that inner boundary that allowed me to sense Alida without becoming her and carrying her experiences with me. And I was able to put my empathy to good use by feeling her distress and in turn, creating a safe space for her to join me in peace instead of me joining her in chaos.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried grounding myself in the presence of horses before - that practice was huge for me already. But what was missing in my previous attempts to help co-regulate the horse was the invitation: Join me here. Sometimes it worked anyway, but horses like Alida have forced me to evolve and grow, and for that, I’m forever grateful. 🙏🏻
A Follow-up Note on Empathy
Do you ever walk into a room full of people and immediately feel a brace, or perhaps a joyous opening, in your body with no words being spoken? Can you sense someone else’s state just by being in their presence? Do you tend to take on others’ emotions - maybe you always feel really anxious around this one person? Have you considered that maybe that anxiety isn’t yours? If you answered yes to any of the above, congratulations - you are empathetic! Empathy is a big buzzword right now that is being used to describe “highly sensitive individuals” - I don’t love that term. Being called “highly sensitive” can have some negative connotations around being over-reactive or overly emotional. I prefer to describe us as people who are highly attuned with others (human or otherwise).
Empathy is the ability to intellectually view and understand a situation from someone else’s perspective - I believe most of us would agree with and have experienced that. I’d like to offer a small addition: some individuals experience empathy more intensely, going beyond intellectual understanding to the point where they can directly feel or absorb the emotions and bodily sensations of others. We all have this ability; we’re all just in various stages of remembering it.
For example, in the presence of someone sad, an empath may start feeling sad themselves, sometimes without even realizing the source. For intensely empathetic people, it can be challenging to distinguish their own feelings from ones they are picking up from others. When someone feels great joy or gratitude, the highly attuned person feels it too! Others may also feel physical sensations tied to the emotional or physical states of others - thinking back to the anxious person - an empath may feel a racing heart, tightness in their chest, etc. in the presence of this person.
If any of this resonates with you, you are not alone. If my experience sounds esoteric, vague, and impossible to implement to you today - you are not alone - that was me a very short time ago, and may be me again tomorrow! Stick with it, get curious. I alternate daily between feeling stuck and having tiny insights that push me forward by millimeters - that’s the journey!!
There are so many highly attuned people out there with various levels of awareness about their gifts, which, in some cases, can feel like burdens without the proper tools to cope and set internal boundaries. In this post, I addressed using this awareness to promote peaceful, balanced, connected feelings in others - a beautiful process I’m calling empathetic co-regulation. For this to work productively - meaning both parties feel better after - the one bringing the calm, supportive love invites the one feeling worry, stress, and fear to a higher frequency space. So often, prior to Alida, it was the other way around; I’d get so wrapped up in what the horse/person/etc. was feeling that I couldn’t feel myself. Thank you, Alida, for demanding more of me. And thank you to my mentors who have been coming along with me for several years as I try to figure this out. Special thanks to LH for suggesting a mantra, which I initially resisted, but which ultimately came to me “spontaneously” and changed the game.
Hopefully sharing my experience can help us all take a baby step toward using empathy as a superpower to help others, rather than letting it sweep us up into the chaotic current of the world around us. ꩜
Please share your experiences in the comments - I’d love to hear how others are navigating this challenging, but rewarding topic!
Side note: I just attended (and am still processing) an amazing talk by Leif Hallberg on setting internal boundaries at the Journey On Podcast Summit - it’s exactly what I’ve been needing to hear to take this to the next level, so stay tuned. Definitely check out her talk - she was the very first Tic Talk of the summit!
"Join me here, in this place of peaceful presence, and breathe." Now that is a lovely invitation/intention/intuition!